I've been doing the online dating thing for a little more than a year now. I may still be single, but I have stories. Lots and lots of stories mixed with frustration, exasperation, and perhaps some humiliation.
The good thing is that advents in social networking such as Facebook and Twitter have taken away the stigma associated with meeting someone online. This makes the selection of available dates a much more promising adventure. And I stress the word adventure here, because really, there's a whole smorgasbord of oddity that falls somewhere along the dating spectrum between blind dates and randomly meeting someone in a bar. Online dating would fall right in the midst of it all.
In these ups and downs of my many adventures, I've realized there's a slough of tips I could offer heterosexual men on what not to post in your profile for attracting those of the female variety.
10 Sure Fire Ways to Creep a Girl Out with Your Online Profile
- Including phrases such as recently single, just out of a long-term relationship, or newly divorced. Really dude? Why are you on here? Online dating is brutal, and it's just gonna make you hate your newly single life even more.
While it's courteous you put up a red flag of major baggage on board, you're not going to get many responses from the ladies. It's a vicious cycle see, you post a profile hoping to get your ego stroked a bit so you can fill the newly found void in your life only to find no one will respond. This in turn makes you feel even lonelier, and then causes you to post crap like, "Prove to me that all women aren't users and bitches." That's an alluring headline if I've ever read one. So, do yourself and us girls a favor by taking some time to heal and come back in a year or so.
- Posting pictures of you shirtless in front of the mirror, much less multiple shots of these poses that don't include your face. The only time it's OK to post a shirtless photo is if you're on a beach, a boat, or something of that nature. And one shirtless picture is the limit or you're crossing the fine line between being hot and being a douche.
Yes, you have nicely defined pecks and abs, but the majority of us women prefer charming over chiseled. So put your shirt on and stop intimidating the nice guys we really want to meet. Because you know that's the only reason you're posting those pictures in the first place.
- Starting off the description of yourself by saying you're an average guy, not really interesting, or that you don't know what to say because your life is kind of boring and normal. Wow, sign me up for a date with you! Sure, no one wants to be a braggart, but come on. There has to be something about you that isn't lame, and if not, well you have other matters to tend to than finding a date.
Also, overcompensating for your lack of an interesting life by being too witty, which is just as irritating as not being witty at all, is kind of painful for us to read. It's like watching a horrible stand-up comedy routine. (Please note this tip also applies to your first message to us ladies.)
- Including pictures of you with girls, especially hot girls. The only thing creepier than this is a photo of you and a hot girl with her face cropped out. Seriously, even if these are the best pictures of you, don't post them.
It doesn't matter if they have captions about her being your best friend or whoever, all that's registering in our minds is that there's a woman in your life who isn't your mother or grandmother that means a lot to you. You also share some kind of history with this woman that could be unresolved and messy. There's nothing wrong with having a girl as your best friend, honestly. Just don't show us who she is right away. Especially if she's hot.
- Only posting hiking, mountain climbing, or any other rugged outdoor type of pictures. Sure, you love the outdoors. A lot of guys love the outdoors. Yeah, I know. You want a girl who also loves the outdoors. It will suffice to simply include one photo of you hiking and stating, "I am an outdoor enthusiast.” I promise.
While I might not be the type of girl you're after, because I think camping should include air conditioning and daily showers, these pictures are still a deterrent to the outdoorsy girl you want to snag. Not only do they tend be taken from far away and often only include scenery, they are down right intimidating. It also suggests you spend more time with mountains than you do with people, warning us that you're potentially lacking in the interpersonal skills department.
- Only posting photos of landscapes. Wow, you're an amazing photographer, if those are even your photos. The only guy creepier than you is the one who posts several sample wallpaper shots that come with Microsoft Windows. I love that you're creative and artistic. Really, I do. But if you're not willing to post a photo of the guy behind the camera, well, that says something. And trust me when I say this, it isn’t a good kind of something. Either you lack confidence in the way you look or you’re too embarrassed to show your face on an online profile. Either way, grow a pair.
- Posting a long, rambling description of you that goes on and on and on without really saying anything at all. In fact, the only thing I'm sure of in reading your profile is that you either have Attention Deficit Disorder or a serious caffeine problem. Hey, maybe you're going for the whole flow of consciousness thing. A third of me respects this as a writer, a third of me detests this as an editor, and another third of me is just seriously getting the creeps. While censorship is totally not cool, minding your own internal censor is. So, if this is a display of your internal censor, I can tell I'm not going to get a word in edgewise or that you'll even hear it if I do.
- Photos of you with guns, much less holding the gun above a dead animal. There is a place and time for these photos. Your online dating profile is not one of them. It's cool if you like to hunt and kill things that you will later eat. I'm not one to infringe upon someone's rights and beliefs (even as a vegetarian). But we girls, even the carnivores, really don't want to see a dead Bambi. We also don't want to see a guy flexing and posing in front of an arsenal so intense it could equip an army. This is equally disturbing.
- Describing yourself as a starving artist or still trying to find a career. Granted, there are shallow girls out there who only want to date a guy who makes more than $100K a year and drives a Porsche. Most girls, however, aren’t asking for this. We just want to know you aren't sleeping on your mom's couch or god forbid an ex-girlfriend’s. We don't need you to take us out on fancy dates or impress us with your stock options, but we do need to know that you can at least support yourself.
Hey, I'm all for female bread earners and paternity leave for men. But really dude? We're not in our early 20s anymore, and yes Mr. 25-year-old, that means you too. Please note there is a direct correlation of creepiness between your lack of career to your age. The older you get, the creepier and sadder it gets.
- Defining what you're looking for as anything between casual encounters and long-term dating. Really? Wow. Just throwing it out there that if you're looking for a long-term relationship you might not want to be looking for casual encounters in the same place. I mean, if that's what you're into, great. However, I and many other girls might be leery about your true intentions for being on the site. I suggest you try the personal ads on Craigslist. At least the girls going to that site know there's a fifty-fifty chance you're a pervert.
