I haven’t blogged for over a year while collecting songs exploring themes of where crossroads in life take us. I thought I’d post this months ago, but what started as one playlist turned into six, with each of them exploring different aspects of life – including being loved and loving, death and dying, longing and letting go, and healing.
The passage of time has felt inescapable lately. I don’t know if it’s the onset of middle age, finally coming out of the fog of the pandemic, or being in better touch with my emotions – but sometimes, the feeling is almost like an aching for the past. Not that I want to go back because my life is pretty great right now. It’s more that I want to relive it and get a chance to see it unfold while knowing how things turn out. Sort of like the urge to rewatch a favorite show all the way through for a second or third time.
Albert Einstein once wrote to a friend, “The past, present, and future are only illusions, even if stubborn ones,” and that time and our place within it are relative. This notion is explored in a Scientific American article by theoretical physicist Paul Davies titled “Times Passage is Probably an Illusion.” It’s a great piece that talks about how the passage of time is subjective and that physicists have yet to agree on how things transition from many potential realities into a single actuality.
It’s funny that the " singularity " theory makes the theory of parallel universes, or the multiverse, even possible. There could be versions of us living entirely different lives of the many potential realities that could have played out. Where crossroads put us down just one of many paths because of a decision we or someone else might have made, or because an unexpected event changes the trajectory of where we were initially going. And these paths, I think, are most marked by the memories of people who move in and out of our lives — including the memories of tomorrow we’re making with those in the present.
My grandma, who recently passed away, gave me two great pieces of advice about life and those who share a path with us for only moments in time. The first piece of advice, given before cellphones and the internet existed, was to only fill out my address book using a pencil because people will never stay in the same place. The second piece of advice was that when people leave our lives, it’s often because we’ve learned all we can from them.
I don’t know if parallel universes exist or if time is truly an illusion, but I do know that in this specific time continuum, about half of my life is behind me (if I’m lucky). While it’s tempting, and maybe even a bit comforting, to sometimes replay previous seasons of our life — it can also make us stuck or lead us down an endless path of “what ifs” when our present situation isn’t everything we want it to be.
Some people say the best way to move forward is to forget the past and live in the present. But the past is too important just to forget. It’s what brought us to the moment we find ourselves today and the experiences that have made us who we are. When it comes to the passage of time, particularly when we feel lost or scared, it is knowing that wherever we are is right where we need to be. It might suck and be painful, or it might be incredibly joyous and filled with wonder — but whatever it is, the moment will only be temporary. It will become another memory until we have no more memories to make, at least in this time continuum.
“After all, we do not really observe the passage of time. What we actually observe is that later states of the world differ from earlier states that we still remember. The fact that we remember the past, rather than the future, is an observation not of the passage of time but of the asymmetry of time. Nothing other than a conscious observer registers the flow of time. A clock measures durations between events much as a measuring tape measures distances between places; it does not measure the “speed” with which one moment succeeds another. Therefore, it appears that the flow of time is subjective, not objective.” (An excerpt from the Scientific American piece mentioned earlier in this post.)
While the gray hair on my head and the wrinkles forming around my eyes indicate that time is passing, some moments in no specific linear fashion feel like yesterday, while others feel like an eternity ago. And others yet are just foggy distant recollections that barely rise to the surface.
So onto the playlists. I’m still editing all the other playlists I’ve created, which is needed because some have more than 60 songs. I’m also not sure of the exact order I’ll publish them, but I wanted to share the prologue of songs that didn’t fit into any one theme. This prologue explores these concepts as a whole about the passage of time, the memories we make, and the different paths we take.
You can listen and follow along below to learn why I’ve included these songs in the prologue, and if you don’t have a Spotify account, I’ve included a link to the YouTube version of each song in my notes.
Two Roads - Valerie June
This song was the inception of this entire series of playlists. There’s a haunting aching to the music that captures how decisions we or others make send us down one path vs. another — and even if we find contentment and happiness in where we end up, there’s almost always an inescapable wondering of what life might have been like if a different decision was made. If there was ever a song to make you wonder about the potential for parallel universes, I think the ethereal melody of this song opens a veil of wonderment about it.
As We Walk Into the Night - Amber Rubarth
Continuing on the theme of time and relativity, this song is about savoring core memories that create the fabric of our existence in relation to others. Even if Einstein’s belief that time is an illusion hasn’t been proven, memories of people are like time capsules. That’s why certain smells, places, and sounds can sometimes transport us back to a moment, making it feel as if no time hasn’t passed at all, or they give us an eerie deja vu feeling like we’ve already lived that experience. These memories, though, are tricky - “sometimes they keep us going, sometimes they hold us back.”
‘14: I Wish I Had Pictures - The Magnetic Fields
The lyrics of this song are self-explanatory of why it’s on this playlist. What I take from it, though, are not only how memories fade over time, but also how strange it is that people who are so incredibly important to us at different moments in our life will sometimes never meet each other. There are all these experiences and stories about who we are that they’ll never get to be a part of, nor us for theirs — including family you’ve known your whole life. It’s a beautiful song.
Every Mile - Layup
This song can transverse time in any direction — past, present, and future. It goes back to the notion that people, particularly our romantic partners, leave some of the strongest imprints on us as we pass through time. And that wherever we find ourselves in a given moment, whether we want to be there or not, is where we need to be for whatever comes next.
Berth - Gregory Alan Isakov
The notion of reliving our past and it leading to an endless cycle of “what ifs” is captured so wonderfully by this song. The haunting melody, the lyrics, and all of it. It’s sometimes hard to get out of those cycles, particularly when something in the present is causing distress. Romanticizing the past becomes an escape from focusing on what we need to address in the present.
Paths of Victory - Cat Power
This song is for those moments when we feel stuck or unsure how to move forward. It’s a good reminder that one day the fog will clear, and we’ll look back and realize just how far we’ve come, how much we’ve grown, and the healing we’ve done along the way if we’ve put in the work to do so. This song is a Bob Dylan cover. I love her voice and this arrangement because it brings a depth of evoking what hardships teach us.
I Remember Everything - John Prine
This is the last song John Prine ever recorded. He was one of the greats we lost to COVID. This song is so tender, heartbreaking, and hopeful all at the same time. As I mentioned earlier, memories are time capsules that hold moments — both good and bad. Things we could have maybe done differently, people and places we miss, and the small day-to-day moments that don’t always rise to the surface but sometimes do.
Low Expectations - Edwyn Collins
Edwyn Collins is a brilliant lyricist, and this song is no exception. Which makes it even sadder that he developed severe aphasia after suffering a massive stroke in 2005. This song hits on a new level knowing the unexpected turn his life would take, particularly for this playlist. It reminds me of those times when we find ourselves starting over or back in a place we didn’t want to be and knowing we need to move forward but lack an optimistic outlook. There’s a wonderful documentary about Edwyn’s journey back to language and music called The Possibilities Are Endless. It’s a wonderful piece of art in itself.
The Last Night - Lily Kershaw
“It can only take a few minutes to make and change your life …” This is another lovely song about the passage of time and past notions of who we would be and the people we once knew. I like how it captures the tender softness of emotions that memories sometimes spark.
Winter - Tori Amos
A playlist by me about traveling through time wouldn’t be complete without Tori Amos, my original musical love. The 30th anniversary of this album was celebrated this year, and it still hits home in those moments when we don’t love ourselves as much as we should or see the beauty in ourselves that others see. This song always transports me back to my teenage bedroom, painted in deep purple and black, and how I felt so insecure and not ready for all the changes that were happening so rapidly during that time.
Half Acre - Hem
While people definitely leave a mark on us, I think the places we’ve lived also do. I like this song because it feels like a personal journey of remembrance for all the emotions you’ve felt in those private moments of being with just yourself. And how we carry all of those places with us wherever we go because it’s an inextricable part of who we are.
The Million Things That Never Happened - Billy Bragg
I just love that this song reads in two ways — both as distant memories of people, places, and things that no longer seem real and of things that never transpired because we went down a different path. The violin in this is absolutely piercing in the same way that memories of what did or didn’t happen sometimes grab us and won’t let go.
Bookends Theme - Simon & Garfunkel
“Preserve your memories. They’re all that’s left you.” This song feels like one big sigh when you’ve gone down memory lane and feel nostalgia for past times. And also a gentle reminder to hold onto and make new memories in the present.
Core Memory - Distant Cowboy
This instrumental piece is a perfect complement to the previous two songs. Just close your eyes, focus your breath, and I’m sure a core memory will be unlocked.
Nightswimming - R.E.M.
This is another song that can transport me back in time to two core memories. The first is riding in the back of my parents’ van traveling dark prairie roads at night after spending holidays on the family farm, and the second is summer camping trips to Moon Lake in high school with my closest circle of friends. “The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago / Turned around backward so the windshield shows / Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse.” It reminds me of holding on to memories when we’re afraid of the change that’s coming, even though great new memories are being made in that moment.
Lullaby for the Lost - Reid Jamieson
Another beautiful instrumental with a few soft vocals to serve as the perfect capstone song to this section of the playlist. It’s like a tender sending-off of memories so we can embrace what’s to come, even if we aren’t sure what direction we’re headed.
Only Time - Aaron Espe
This is such a tender song of wanting time to stand still, if only for a little while. Even if we can’t stop time, and the passage of it may very well be an illusion, this song is like sitting down to savor the small moments in life that will be gone before we know it. It reminds me of a photo of my grandfather that I took after his 80th birthday. He was silently sitting in a corner, tired but content in watching his children and grandchildren play in the living room he built with his dad. My grandpa was an excellent teacher about savoring the small moments in life and being thankful for them.
Of Love and Life - Caamp
This song needs to be sung around a campfire on a summer night. It requires the banjo, though, because it makes the song. It’s a great tune to follow the last one with the memory of my grandpa and the lessons our elders can teach us about life.
And It’s Still Alright - Nathaniel Rateliff
This song is packed with so much pain and hope at the same time. It’s a prelude to the death and dying playlist, but I also think the playlists I’m assembling on longing and letting go. It’s a song for the valleys that seem impossible to escape when we’re in them. It’s important to remember in those low points that we’re alright and things will get better, and even if we can’t see it at that moment, it’s exactly where we need to be.
Past in Present - Feist
A fantastic song to round out the crossroads prologue to this coming series of playlists. “So much past inside my present …” goes back to the notion that we shouldn’t forget our past but rather honor its place in making us who we are, the lessons we learn from it, and that it will always be a part of us. It’s our story, for better or worse.
